How to Stop Fighting in a Relationship

If you're married or in a committed relationship, chances are you've fought with your partner at least once. Arguing may be a normal part of any relationship, but it can often be damaging if it's not handled in a healthy way. Let's look to guidance from God on how we can manage conflict in a way that glorifies Him.

Understanding the Causes of Fighting in a Relationship

It's normal for couples to fight. It can even be good for couples to express their disagreements and work through them together. But when the fighting becomes a regular occurrence, or something that never resolves beyond a stalemate, it can be damaging to the relationship.

Couples argue for a vast number of reasons. Poor communication can lead to misunderstandings and frustration on both sides. This can cause arguments about things that aren't even really an issue.

Couples often have different priorities and values which can lead to conflict if not addressed early on in the relationship. For example, one person may value career success while the other values spending time with family. If these differences are not discussed openly, it can lead to arguments down the line.

Stress from work, money problems, or family obligations can also put a strain on your relationship and lead to arguments about who is taking on more responsibility or not pulling their weight around the house.

Consider Others Above Yourself (Philippians 2:3-4)

To find out what God has to say about resolving conflicts in relationships, let’s look to Philippians 2:3-4, which says,

3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

The Lord commands His followers to put the needs of others, especially your significant others, ahead of your own. While it may not be ideal to take this verse to the extreme and neglect one’s own need for things like rest and emotional fulfillment, these words can inspire us to check in with our partners. When you think about things you need and want, consider the things your partner would, as well. If you can, try to meet these needs, or at least put in your best effort.

Seek to Understand

We can also look to Proverbs 4:7, which says,

7 The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding.

God commands His followers to strive to gain knowledge and understanding of the world around them. We can apply this concept to not only considering the needs of our partners, but also really seeking to understand where they’re coming from.

Try to see things from their perspective and make an effort to think about why they might feel the way they do, even (and especially) in a disagreement. Although this might be uncomfortable, understanding your partner's point of view can equip you with the empathy needed to find a wise, kind, gentle approach to conflict.

How to Manage and Express Emotions in a Healthy Way

Managing your emotions and learning how to express them in a healthy way is key to being able to navigate disagreements in your relationship. Developing effective communication techniques is one way of doing this. Start by discussing expectations and needs with your partner. This means being clear about what you are looking for in the relationship, and what each of your needs are.

For example, if you expect to be able to get a certain amount of rest each week, or to have frequent date nights, make it clear from the get-go that it's something you need in a relationship. Or, say your partner wants to have a limited relationship with their in-laws. You can recognize that need of theirs by giving them time and space away from your family on holidays.

Do your best to establish clarity when discussing these expectations with your partner. This means communicating about what you're comfortable with or unwilling to tolerate, as well as recognizing and honoring the same in your partner. This circles back to the verse from Proverbs, which emphasizes the value of that sometimes nuanced understanding.

How to Rebuild Trust and Intimacy After a Fight

To rebuild trust after a fight, start by taking a time out. This will allow you both to calm down and think about what you're saying. Once you've had some time to cool off, you can come back and try to resolve the conflict.

Then, you can try to make compromises where possible. This shows that you're willing to work together to resolve the issue. It may be difficult to do, but you can show your partner that you understand things from their perspective and help to find a solution that works for both of you.

The Role of Therapy and Counseling in Addressing and Resolving Conflicts in a Relationship

When fighting in a relationship becomes persistent, it may be time to seek outside help, either in the form of discipleship mentoring or professional counseling. Often, outside perspectives can help identify the root causes of conflict and allow couples to develop new strategies for resolution.

Couples therapy or marital counseling can provide a space for both partners to openly express their feelings and needs without fear of judgment. A therapist can also offer impartial guidance on how to effectively communicate with one another and resolve differences, and Christian couples can seek spiritual advice about their relationships from faith-based counselors.

Learn More About a Godly Marriage at Chicago Church of Christ

If you're struggling with fighting in your relationship, know that you're not alone. Couples fight for all sorts of reasons, but it's important to try to resolve the conflict in a healthy way, and for God's followers to align with His Word on the subject. With some effort, you can put an end to fighting in your relationship and start rebuilding trust and intimacy.

Plan your visit to the Chicago Church of Christ to learn more about how to have a loving, God-centered relationship now.