God's Design for Marriage

God has a lot to say about marriage in the Bible, but His words on this topic are some of the most frequently misunderstood by His followers. Below, we explore God’s design for marriage as written by the apostle Paul in Ephesians, common misconceptions about a wife’s obligation to submit, and how God really wants to engage with His people.

Mutual Submission & Cultivating Partnership (Ephesians 5:22-24 & 5:21)

Most Christians have heard Ephesians 5:22-24 recited by their parents or in church as sort of the “golden rule” for marriage. The Scripture says:

22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Many people mistake this scripture to mean that God’s plan for a holy marriage is for the husband to make all of the decisions and for the wife to essentially agree with whatever he suggests, regardless of how she feels. And if you isolate these passages from their surrounding text, it may seem at first glance that such an interpretation is correct. But to properly understand this Scripture – as well as others – one must look at both the preceding and following paragraphs to contextualize God’s command.

Ephesians 5:21 says:

21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

And Ephesians 5:28-29 says:

28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—

When considering the context of the surrounding passages, we can extrapolate that Paul intends to mean that the submission goes both ways and that husbands and wives must be considerate, compassionate, and forgiving of each other. By reading the full text here, it’s clear that God’s design for marriage does not include one in which one partner submits to the other but not vice versa.

We can also look at other passages in the Bible to see how God holds wives in special regard and His intention for spouses to be loving and kind toward one another. In these passages, it’s clear that His plan never intended to include a demand for unconditional submission with one partner exacting control or power over the other.

In the poem, Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character, the writer impresses upon the reader the value of a wife to her husband. The following passage is part of Proverbs 31:10-31:

10 A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies 11 Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.12 She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.

Here, we see the writer compare a good wife to precious jewels, emphasizing that her husband has faith and confidence in her ability to bring wonderful things to himself. The rest of the poem goes on to depict women working for money, providing food for the family, purchasing property with her earnings, and her husband earning a widely respected reputation as a result.

Colossians 3:19 says:

19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.

With these Scriptures, we can assume that God's use of the word "submission" in Ephesians is intended to mean kindness, gentleness, and a deep regard for the other person. Both husbands and wives should exercise tenderness and goodwill toward their spouse, avoiding making choices based on selfishness, apathy, or conceit.

An Illustration of God's Desired Relationship With His People (Ephesians 5:31-33)

God’s desire for a husband and wife to become an inseparable force and a true partnership is clear in Ephesians 5:31-33:

31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

God’s design for humanity centers around the unique partnership of marriage and in the above passage, Apostle Paul draws a parallel between the submission between a husband and wife and Christ’s ultimate sacrifice for the Church. It’s also worth noting that at the end of this passage, Apostle Paul again reiterates the importance of mutual respect and care toward one another in a holy marriage.

Here, we can refer back to one of the most famous biblical passages, John 3:16, for an even better understanding of Paul’s comparison:

16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

If God’s model for the ideal marriage is Christ’s unconditional love and submission to whatever was in the best interests of His bride – the Church – then we can see His intent for spouses to show deep appreciation, devotion, and loyalty to one another. According to these Scriptures, we can accurately depict a holy marriage as one with an abundance of empathy, warmth, understanding, and unconditional acceptance and love, just as Christ offers to each of His Followers.

Your spouse should always come before anyone else—even your kids. This doesn’t mean you love them more than anyone else; it just means that their needs should be a priority in your life.

Communication Is Critical

Good communication is key in any relationship, but it’s especially important in marriage. Make sure you’re taking the time to really listen to and understand your spouse. It's important to be able to talk openly and honestly with your spouse about everything — both the good and the bad. When you're able to communicate effectively, it can help to build a stronger relationship and bond between you both.

You should also take time for each other every day, even if it's just a few minutes. It's important to keep your connection to each other strong, especially when life gets stressful. No marriage is perfect—there will always be times when you mess up or hurt each other unintentionally. When this happens, forgive them, apologize, and try to make things right. Forgiving them doesn’t mean that what they did was okay; it just means that you love them enough to let go of the hurt and move on.

Plan Your Visit To Chicago Church Today

One great way to form a closer bond with your spouse, especially when it comes to spiritual matters, is to go to church together. At Chicago Church, our community of caring husbands and wives, families, and individuals is ready to welcome you with open arms and an open Bible. Contact us today to plan your visit by calling (630) 787-0606